In various life situations I have been told and have learned that satisfaction and happiness are heavily influenced by the delta between a result achieved and the expectations set prior as to what that result could or should be. So, managing the expectations in light of one’s own abilities to influence or create a result has therefore a significant impact on satisfaction and happiness.
In a recent discussion with friends we landed at the topic of what expectations are appropriate as to attention and support of our children in return for the decades long parenting effort to rear them and to pave their way to independence. At one point I heard me say “The investment into our children is the only investment for which I am not expecting a return.” There I said it – to respond to a disagreement in the group with my own thought. The conversation did not end in agreement, but I have continued thinking about this since.
In our society we rely on a generational contract between the older people and the younger people – a contract that is facilitated by the social security administration and anticipates the contributions of the working members to fund the retirement and health care of the non-working members. At that level I also have the expectation that when the time comes, we will receive our pension and that our children and grandchildren of the working age will contribute their share to the general fund. So, fair enough I actually do have expectations. But that was not what the argument was about – it was more focused on the relationship level and an investment return in form of attention and help.
I remember as a child in a small village close to my father’s birthplace where my parents had a small vacation cottage we used to visit a farmer who my father was friends with and who was still operating a family owned farm. It was an old operation – a whole courtyard lined by buildings on three sides – which included the living quarters, barns, shops and stables for the cattle. He lived there with his family and children and his mother. I remember her still – a short old lady, her back bent from years of hard work. Sometimes she would sit on the bench under the window but more often she would still scurry around doing little chores. The historical rule was – the oldest son inherited the farm, and the parents had a lifetime right for living there and being fed and cared for. This included the material needs but automatically extended to companionship through childcare and participation in family meals and events. This is practiced to this day but in most cases in the modern day and age the children go to college and move to where there first job is. They meet new colleagues and friends and widen their horizon and network beyond their home and hometown. New relationships gain importance along with old ones. Distance can be bridged but it requires a mutual effort to do so. In many ways this describes our own situation for both my wife and me. A good friend of mine said something long time ago – when his son was perhaps 12 years old: “I always want to be my son’s best friend”. Another quote worth thinking about! (Which I did!). To me it embodies the recognition that a relationship is not static – and the role of a parent changes over time. Friends grow in importance as confidents, anchors and vetting sources. Continuing to fulfil these needs as a parent requires to change the approach also – listening, being careful with direction and advice, giving room. Friendships rely on mutual exchanges between equal parties.
Coming back then to the question raised – I think we wish for and want our kids to cherish and nourish our relationship. We want them to come home and visit for food, traditions, atmosphere and companionship – but we are not demanding it. We continue to offer them help if needed and we are comfortable asking for their help when we need it. In most cases it is offered without asking – which confirms our family values.
So, with these disclaimers I uphold my statement. We are excited that our relationship flourishes and fully recognize that it requires continued work from both sides for it to continue doing so.